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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25997368">i don't want to be a cigarette(use me up and toss me, step on me)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebeasknees/pseuds/thebeasknees'>thebeasknees</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek &amp; Paul/Levenson</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>A little piece that exists in the After The Storm universe, Connor is kind of a dick, First fights, I've never been in a relationship before, M/M, Making Up, Mending, anxiety disorders, but - Freeform, connor has bpd, everyone has a right to their own emotions, he makes it up, if you couldn't tell, so pls call me out if I'm being unrealistic, talking it out</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 03:08:37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,002</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25997368</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebeasknees/pseuds/thebeasknees</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"Get out, Evan! Fuck, always following me around like some fucking puppy dog. All because you don't have any better fucking options, all because you're that fucking lonely! I don't want you around! Just fucking leave!"</p><p>'I don't want you around.'</p><p>'Just fucking leave.'</p><p>Connor doesn't mean it.</p><p> </p><p>Or:Evan is sick and tired of being disposable.</p><p>And for once, it shows.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>82</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>i don't want to be a cigarette(use me up and toss me, step on me)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Warning for a really big fight and a BPD episode. I tried to show my best with this that mental illness is a reason, but not an excuse, and I hope I got that point across. It's not Evan's fault and it's not Connor's fault- it's no one's fault. Don't worry, it ends with some serious fluff.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Evan is aware that he's disposable.</p><p>He <em>knows</em>- Jared chose when he wanted him and when he didn't when they were Family Friends, and when his Dad left him and found a new family. </p><p>He's scarily aware of it.</p><p>But Connor makes him forget that, in a way. That he's not that important. Connor reminds him to eat and tells him to drink some water and checks in on him like it's important, like he's important.</p><p>Of course Evan does the same, but it was just.</p><p>So nice. Having people around.</p><p>Connor has had nothing but good days, for at least 2 weeks- and when he doesn't he tries to talk to Evan, even if the words might come out wrong.</p><p>He tries to communicate. It's a big thing- Connor trying to do that.</p><p>But today- today, Evan knows, is a Bad Day.</p><p>He knows how to deal with these.</p><p>He get Connor some soup, or some tea, and he'll just. Sit in the room with him. Be his company.</p><p>Wait until Connor wants to talk about it.</p><p>Evan never fishes it out of him. He learned his lesson trying to fish something out of Connor the first time he did it.</p><p>But it's taking longer than it usually does.</p><p>Evan lightly reaches out for him, and he flinches when Connor slaps his hand away, and moves to distance himself from him.</p><p>"Don't touch me." Connor snaps, and Evan can handle this.</p><p>He's handled worse.</p><p>Evan nods, and even though it stings he reminds himself that Connor doesn't mean it.</p><p>He doesn't.</p><p>"Can you just... Just fucking go, Evan? Just go. Please." Connor says, and he flips over and looks at his pillow.</p><p>Evan's dealt with this too.</p><p>He's dealt with a lot of things on the Connor Murphy Mental Illness Spectrum.</p><p>"I don't think I should-"</p><p>Connor growls and sits up, looking him dead in the eyes. "I know what you think, but I'm not asking what you think. I'm telling you to get the fuck out. I don't want to see you right now." It sounds so steady, and so sure,  and it's <em>terrifying</em>.</p><p>Evan tries to remind himself.</p><p> </p><p>Connor doesn't mean it.</p><p>"Connor-"</p><p>"Get out, Evan! Fuck, always following me around like some fucking puppy dog. All because you don't have any better fucking options, all because you're <em>that</em> fucking lonely! I don't want you around! Just fucking leave!"</p><p>
  <em>I don't want you around.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Just fucking leave.</em>
</p><p>Connor doesn't mean it.</p><p>"Con- Connor, l-listen-"</p><p>"No. You listen to me. Your not gonna get a trophy for sticking around. Your not gonna get a trophy for dealing with me, you aren't going to fix me! You haven't even helped. Not even a little. I never even considered you as anything more that some fucking second choice."</p><p>
  <em>You haven't even helped.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Second choice.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Second choice.</em>
</p><p>Connor doesn't-</p><p>"Get out! Fuck off! Are you deaf?"</p><p>
  <em>Connor d-</em>
</p><p>Evan stands up, and sneers at him.</p><p>He's so sick of giving everything to people and getting <em>bullshit</em> like this in return.</p><p>He knows that Connor is getting bad but he's going to get an apology when whatever is going on is over.</p><p>He's so tired.</p><p>He's so tired of seeing his Mom break down on the couch every night over his dead Dad, he' s so tired of the extra shifts at mcdonald's he has to work that Connor doesn't know about, and he's just. Tired.</p><p>Connor is breaking up with him, isn't he?</p><p>He steps back. Tears are spilling out of his eyes, trailing down his cheeks.</p><p>He's <em>disposable</em>.</p><p>Connor's probably forgotten that he's Evan's ride home.</p><p>Evan guesses he'll just have to wait outside his door until Connor comes out.</p><p>He's pretty sure he would have stayed either way.</p><p>Connor flips over and buries his head into his pillow.</p><p>Evan walks out the bedroom and sits next to the door.</p><p>Just a little bit longer...</p><p>Just a little bit longer....</p><p>Just a little bit....</p><p>-------</p><p> </p><p>Connor knows Evan deserves better.</p><p>He deserves a boyfriend that can take care of him, a boyfriend that can love him unconditionally. Even though Connor does.</p><p>But he isn't enough.</p><p>Evan helps Connor with the dishes, and helped him learn to cook and to clean and even how to wash his fucking <em>hair</em> properly and what has he given him?</p><p>Cuddles.</p><p>And trash apologies.</p><p>Connor knows that whatever he said, it crossed the line, this time, because the air is thick and Evan isn't there.</p><p>He tears up.</p><p>Gets up and walks out his bedroom door.</p><p>He needs to apologize to him.</p><p>Right now.</p><p>But Connor is ever so surprised when he sees Evan sitting on the floor, an he immediately drops to him, whispering over and over and over and over and over again how <em>sorry he is, how he wishes he could take it back, he didn't mean it, he didn't mean it, he didn't mean it.</em></p><p>And Evan nods the whole way. </p><p>"I know you are," He starts. "B-But I can't forgive you."</p><p>It stings, and Connor understands.</p><p>He knows.</p><p>Connor sits next to him.</p><p>"I was.. Diagnosed. The last time I went to therapy, a week ago? Uh. Borderline Personality Disorder. BPD."</p><p>He waits for Evan to ask why he didn't tell him.</p><p>But it doesn't come. </p><p>"And that.. That was an episode?" Evan says, and Connor nods in reply.</p><p>"You don't- you want me around?"</p><p>Connor's eyes widen.</p><p>
  <em>What?</em>
</p><p>"Of course I do. I always will. You're my everything, Evan, I'm sorry, please don't leave-"</p><p>"I'm not. I would never leave. I just. I wanna be a first choice."</p><p>Evan has always been his first choice.</p><p>"You always have been. You always have been, Evan, since I first met you- I'm sorry. I'm <em>so</em> sorry. Whatever I said, I'm so so so, so so sorry, I didn't mean it,"</p><p>"I know you didn't." Evan says. He leans his head onto Connor's shoulder.</p><p>And that's enough. If Evan knows, that's enough.</p><p> </p><p>More than enough.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
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